Jimmy Kimmel Jokes that His Political Turmoil Cost Disney “Billions” This Year

Jimmy Kimmel took the stage at the Disney upfronts on Tuesday to deliver his traditional roast of the TV industry, which included no shortage of commentary on his own dramatic year. “I cost our company a lot of money this year. Billions,” he joked to the advertisers in the crowd. “It is very possible that no employee in the history of any company has cost their employer more. Hiring me 24 years ago, just from a purely mathematical standpoint, was the worst personnel decision that Disney Corporation has ever made. Not even the captain of the Exxon Valdez did more damage.”

Kimmel followed that up with a bit in which he sent his faithful companion Guillermo out into the audience with a collection basket, asking attendees to “kick in a little extra this year.” While he admitted that Jimmy Kimmel Live has enjoyed a 25% ratings spike over the past year with viewers 18-49, “largely thanks to our partners in Washington,” his numbers are still low compared to the golden age of late night: “If Johnny Carson woke up one day with my ratings, he’d have gone straight under the sink and [drank] all the Draino he found there.”

He then proceeded to hype up Disney’s upcoming broadcast of the Super Bowl: “This will be the first Super Bowl on ABC in 20 years and we are going to milk the bejesus out of it. We are going to spend the whole year promoting the already most popular thing on Earth. And as if the country isn’t already divided enough, we put the game on Valentine’s Day, just to be dicks.”

Added Kimmel, “Let me tell you what, the halftime show this year is going to be the whitest shit you’ve ever seen. Goodbye, Bad Bunny. Welcome back, O-Town.”

The rest of Kimmel’s time on stage was spent mocking both the new shows coming from other networks (“Seriously, is someone at NBC fucking the mayor of Chicago? I mean, Jesus Christ”) and noting the upcoming departure of Stephen Colbert from late night: “As you know, CBS is turning 11:35 into a leased time slot. Leased as in least likely to offend the President.”

By the end of Kimmel’s time on stage, Guillermo had collected $7 and a tennis ball from the crowd (Billie Jean King had been hitting balls into the audience earlier in Tuesday’s presentation). Kimmel and his 11-year-old daughter then introduced Olivia Rodrigo, who performed her new single “Drop Dead” live to close out the night.