33 Unhinged Observations About the Clustersmurf That Is Smurfs

The new Smurfs movie, directed by Chris Miller and, yes, starring Rihanna as Smurfette, stands to bring a lot of kids to the theaters this upcoming weekend. It’s a bright, music-filled romp featuring the adorable characters first created by the Belgian artist Peyo, who became a global phenomenon in the 1980s thanks to the popular animated series.

Their 2025 adventure is the sixth big-screen film featuring the blue… I’m not entirely sure what their species might be called, despite being someone who definitely watched the cartoons as a kid. That said, I sat down for this animated adventure prepared to experience a new Rihanna song and open my mind to whatever the Smurfs had to offer me.

I was not ready to be Smurfed this hard.

• At the start of this movie, the only things I remember clearly about the Smurfs are that:
  • They are blue.
  • Their names are also their personalities/resumes.
  • They are three apples high. (That last one isn’t knowledge I have any memory of learning, it’s just a fact that lurks in my brain. Maybe I absorbed this information in the womb somehow.)
• Spoiler alert: By the end of the movie Smurfs, the only bullet point I can add to the above is that they have a long and proud tradition of guarding magical objects. The initial lore-dumping of this movie involves establishing that there are four evil wizards and four books of magic, except one of the books of magic has gone missing and is now being protected by the Smurfs, which is why the evil wizard Razamel (J. P. Karliak) is trying to track it down.
  • It’s not the most baffling thing about this movie, but at times it’s really hard to remember that Mark Hamill isn’t voicing any of the evil wizards, as Karliak’s voice sounds very close to Hamill’s take on the Joker. Karliack isn’t bad, but it’s really hard to believe it. .
• The movie begins (after the previously mentioned lore-dumping) in Smurf Village, an animated Eden for the Smurfs who dance and frolic about. All the major Smurfs (Papa Smurf, Smurfette, Brainy Smurf, Clumsy Smurf, Grumpy Smurf, etc.) are introduced during the opening song/dance number (“Everything Goes With Blue,” performed by Tyla), and then are re-introduced in the scene immediately following, in case we were too blinded by their sweet dance moves to pay attention.
  • Or because the target audience for this movie might be under the age of five. That might actually be the reason.
• A fun fact about Vanity Smurf: In the American version of the film, the character is voiced by Maya Erskine (Mr. and Mrs. Smith). In the UK version, the character is voiced by English host Rylan Clark. Which presumably makes the character gender-queer, something everyone’s gonna be really cool about, without question.
• There is one Smurf whose whole deal is making sound effects noises with his mouth, and he is not voiced by Michael Winslow and I weep for the generations to come, for whom Michael Winslow will be nothing but a forgotten memory.
• Every Smurf has a “thing” except for the Smurf rudely called No Name Smurf, voiced by James Corden. No Name’s quest to find his “thing” will be the closest thing this movie has to a character arc.
  • I agreed to see Smurfs without realizing that James Corden would play the lead Smurf and had I been fully aware of this, different decisions might have been made.
• At no point does someone suggest that No Name Smurf’s thing could be British Smurf, since he’s the only Smurf with a vague British accent.
• Meanwhile, Smurfette’s primary thing in this movie is encouraging No Name to find his thing. Though the way this movie explains Smurfette’s complicated backstory (she was made from wood by the evil wizard Gargamel to infiltrate the Smurfs as a spy before switching loyalties, of course) is pretty funny.
• Rihanna herself is pretty enjoyable as Smurfette, though the character is largely defined by her spunk, her kindness, and her love of French fries.
  • It’s more character depth than, say, Hefty Smurf gets.
  • Hefty Smurf is good at lifting Hefty things, you see.
• Anyways, No Name Smurf somehow stumbles upon magic potentially being his “thing,” but when he tries to demonstrate his suddenly acquired magical powers to the rest of Smurf Village, he accidentally opens up a portal to another realm, alerting Razamel to the location of Smurf Village and getting Papa Smurf (voiced by John Goodman) kidnapped.
  • Okay, points to this movie for getting John Goodman for this, and he actually brings remarkable gravitas to the character. If you’re casting a character named “Papa Smurf,” you really can’t do better than Goodman.

• • Papa Smurf’s last words before being whisked away by a tractor beam are to “find Ken,” which somehow leads the remaining Smurfs to a magical record player that whisks them all away to… real-life Paris, France?
  • Here’s where things get really messy. See, when the action is contained within Smurf Village, the animation style is a blend between a few different styles: The Smurfs’ eyes have a hand-drawn, almost Looney Tunes-ish quality to them, while the backgrounds are more painterly or poppy, depending on the moment.
  • Once we leave Smurf Village, though, this movie abandons any rules whatsoever as to when a scene’s background will be photorealistic or animated, and in the latter case, what kind of animation it might be. Sometimes the Smurfs’s interactions with the real world will feel like they’re trying to be as realistically rendered as possible. Other times, they dive into a real-life disco ball and end up in a lounge that looks and feels a bit like the Jetsons’ living room.
  • Smurfs also features a blend of animated humans along with the occasional live-action human. Not in an intentional way, just randomly enough to make it feel like all logic has completely abandoned us. The collage style can work, without question, but this simply doesn’t.
  • One of the movie’s most baffling choices is a sequence in which these characters attempt to drive a human-sized car (very badly, as they are very small). We first see the car in its live-action form, and then it somehow becomes animated later?
  • One of the movie’s better sequences is when No Name Smurf and Smurfette start bouncing between realities — as they bounce, the animation style shifts, in an intentional manner for once, from rough claymation to stick figures to 8-bit video games to full-tilt anime.
  • None of this explains the movie’s inability to maintain any sort of visual cohesion in any of the “normal” sequences.
  • Though, can any sequence in this movie be strictly described as “normal”?
  • Also, the “break reality by shifting to a bunch of different animation styles” is a pretty tired trope at this point.
  • Not to mention the fact that they made the James Corden Smurf look really ripped during the anime segment and that is somehow infuriating.

• In Paris, the Smurfs meet Ken, who is Papa Smurf’s brother and is also voiced by Nick Offerman. Ken helps them out for the rest of the movie, but is also kind of surly.
• He and Smurfette get into the movie’s biggest war of words, in which the word “smurf” is subbed in for all the actually dirty words they might be saying. It’s a bit from the original series, and I confess that it still kinda plays?
• Also coming to the Smurfs’ aid is Mama Poot, voiced by Natasha Lyonne, and looking at Mama Poot, it’s pretty clear how the casting director came up with that idea.
• It feels very important to mention that Nick Offerman Smurf and Mama Poot have boned down at least once. The movie makes a point of making us think about that.
• Though Nick Offerman Smurf apparently has commitment issues.
• While Razamel is the main evil wizard in this, Gargamel (the guy I remember from the cartoons) is also here, annoyed that his little brother has taken over his whole evil-doing thing. Gargamel has a cat named Azrael, and I was kinda rooting for him. Or rooting for his cat, at least.
• Meanwhile Razamel’s assistant is an ordinary guy named Joel (voiced by Daniel Levy) who is worried about his boss giving him a good recommendation on LinkedIn, to which I say LINKEDIN IS A THING IN THIS UNIVERSE? WHAT THE HELL?
• This movie features two sets of brotherly relationships, but has nothing to actually say about brotherhood or brotherly relationships.
• Also… are Papa Smurf and Nick Offerman Smurf actually biological brothers, meaning they have a specific set of parents who had sex?
• Let’s just back away slowly from any further questions or thoughts that involve using the words “Smurf” and “sex” in the same sentence.
• Especially because this movie definitely feels aimed at its target audience and no one else — there are lots of scenes where the characters slide down a ramp or slide, lots of dancing, lots of silly jokes.
• And I have, in my time, seen far worse kids’ flicks. But if I were a parent, would I be looking forward to hearing this movie play on repeat for the month-plus my kid would fixate on it?
• Smurf that.

Smurfs smurfs into theaters on Friday, July 18th. Check out the trailer below.